Reflecting on my journal while transitioning into menopause, I realized how deeply profound my struggle was. This was coupled with complicated grief issues in the loss of my late husband; my emotions were raw and all over the place, and the exhaustion was overwhelming. I felt I was lost in my own body and suffocating.

Menopause is a whole lot more than just hot flashes and night sweats. I felt there was a storm that overtook my mind and spirit, and I was trapped in a cycle of misery, desperate for relief and uncertain of how to move forward. I was experiencing about 30-40 hot flashes a day, body aches, joint pain, brain fog, and sleep deprivation with no support at that time!

This reflective poem is a glimpse into that time, unfiltered.

January 2019

The crushing ache in my heart, the exhaustion that no amount of sleep could fix
The water running down my eyes made my head hurt, a throbbing that never seemed to leave
Eyes are red, nose is dripping
I’m stuck in this cycle of pain and living, my mind foggy, my body betraying, hormones fucking me around
I’ve made mistakes and I am tired
So tired god
I have been living in this fog for so long
I want to let go but I don’t know how
I have asked for help and been let down
I have asked for salvation and pain abounds
I can’t let go.
I am tired, god, so tired, god, I need your help. I need your help. I am begging you
Begging you
I need your help
I am not coping well
I am not free bound by these chains inside of me, trapped in this phase, invisible, unheard, overwhelmed
Tied up in knots with thorns piercing my heart, every ache I want to give up, I never expected this
I need your help god, I am tired, so tired, I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know how to help myself